Coming out to a potential partner: awkward?

In this article I’ll address a complicated topic that I’m sure I can’t cover entirely. I let myself scratch the iceberg by sharing some of my personal experience, as well as what I’ve learned from more skillful people in life or in BDSM compared to me.

It usually takes at least two people to practice BDSM. Many of us are looking for a partner with whom to fulfill our fantasies and we sometimes wonder how to approach a potential new partner. We’re often not sure if they would have any interest in BDSM at all, whether they would react positively or we would be rudely rejected with attributes like “insane, psychopath, sick, twisted, crazy, etc.”. Let me share a few approaches that work for me.

The easiest approach for me has always been my interest to the art of shibari. It is easily swallowable by the uninformed people as just an irregular  art that they don’t understand. When I’m asked what I do, apart from my other activities, I tell people that I study and practice the Japanese erotic art, named shibari. The majority of people respond with surprise but also with curiosity. Some ask for more information right away and then it’s the easiest to expand the topic. After I do, I can then transition to BDSM. To those, who don’t respond negatively, but also don’t ask what it is, I say: “I could tell you what it is in short”. I don’t remember anyone saying “no”. What I tell the is the short description in the article for shibari. From that point some people become interested in learning more and coming to some workshop or to try it alone. Most, though, say that they appreciate the information, but it’s not their thing. And that is completely OK.

Another approach that could serve you better, if you don’t practice shibari, is: after you’ve asked the person what they do and if they have any favorite activities for their free time, if they are polite enough to ask you the same, you could answer: “I do “this” and “that”, and in my free time I like to study less know aspects of the human mentality and sexuality. Would you be interested if I tell you more about it?” This approach has two strengths: as you present yourself as someone who is learning, you show that you have additional information without boasting that you are any expert. You become a specialist in their eyes without annoying them with any premature claims for greatness. On the other hand you are asking for their permission to talk about this topic so you are not intruding. Showing respect towards their interests, they feel more inclined to respond with the same respect. So far no one has told me that I’m sick when I’ve used this approach. It is very important, though, to explain calmly and to show confidence in yourself. The sexuality topic is delicate and if people see that you are feeling shameful, they will take advantage to defend their comfort zone by responding in a judging manner.

When I get started on the BDSM topic, I tell the person what I know from the articles on BDSM.bg I tell them about the endorphins, the love hormone and how it’s release is stimulated more effectively; I talk about the psychological aspect of sharing your dreams and the self-confidence. One of the most important things, though, is explaining that BDSM is not for everyone and it’s completely OK if they conclude that BDSM is not their thing. They sense that I’m not judging them as “lagging” or “missing out on life” so they don’t judge me because they understand that I’m a specialist in what I’m talking about and I’m enriching their culture, and (most importantly!) – many people practice BDSM. I explain that this culture has gained popularity in countries like the UK, USA, Russia, Germany, Japan, etc. There are large communities that learn, attend large parties and festivals and so on. The herd mentality kicks in here and the person understands that if it’s not just me, but there’s many of us, then it must be acceptable.

I believe that when you show that you know what you are talking about, you are building trust and you are setting the foundation of applying your knowledge together in the future.

I’m sure that you may be using completely different approaches that are just as effective and I would be happy if you share how you achieve success when approaching a new potential partner. You can share your point of view in the forum.