Based on my moderately humble experience both as a Top and bottom (up to Dominant and submissive) and also from my communication with many other BDSM practitioners I have reached my personal conclusions on the topic of
“What characteristics does a dominant need to have to be worthy of their role?”.
I’m sharing those conclusions with you not so that I can tell you how to do BDSM, but to motivate you to consider what is important for you. If you see value in my words, take it and use it.
The topic is mostly about the “Dominant and submissive” relations and less so about “Top and bottom” or switching with the same partner as lighter forms of dynamics.
Let me emphasize that I fully accept that my vision of D/s dynamics can be as true to me as yours is to you. There are thousands of approaches to doing BDSM and there is no one “twue” way. My vision on this topic evolves with time and experience. It’s OK if yours changes. I encourage everyone to share their point of view bravely, but also tolerantly towards other people’s point of view in the forum Here.
In order for me to be a good Dominant (or to deem my partner as such) it’s important for me:
1. To practice BDSM for no wrong reasons – to want us both to fulfill our dreams, to bring each other pleasure or more precisely satisfaction and excitement; both of us to be in our D/s roles without causing each-other emotional or physical harm. I shouldn’t force my partner to change into something they don’t want.
2. To have a clear idea what I want to do during our interaction – to know what I like, what will bring me satisfaction when I do it to my submissive or when they do it for me. I prefer to avoid the awkward situations such as the Dominant asking “So now what?” while both partners stand clueless. In my eyes such a situation erodes my authority as a Dominant.
It is beneficial for me to try on myself as many of my tools I have as possible, so that I know how they feel and how to apply them more effectively on my partners.
3. Based on my vision of D/s, I should make clear what relationship I want, what kind of submissive I want to interact with and how I’m going to treat them – how I’m going to discipline them to achieve the desired behaviour – how I’m going to encourage or punish them.
It’s important that my submissive learns what my expectations of them are and what they will get from our dynamics.
I believe this helps the submissive to give their initial consent (and agree with themself) to experience both the positive and negative stimuli I will give them. Thus, when we get serious in our roles, my submissive will know why they are in a certain uncomfortable situation and why they prefer to endure it rather than to simply quit. They won’t have to constantly question their submission during “play”. They would have understood from the beginning where I will be leading them towards and what will the consequences be if they disrupt our dynamics without a good reason.
4. To have integrity, resolve and to be true to my word. To give the punishments and rewards that I have said I would when they are called for. If breaking of the rules or the good behaviour have no guaranteed consequences, the submissive won’t have a clear reason to follow my lead.
5. To take the initiative – if I’m the Dominant, then I lead, I decide what is going to happen, I take action: “I want you like This Now. I want you dressed up like this. I want to see you tied up, suffering, giving up to your helplessness, needing, dependent. I want to drain you from orgasms now. I want to cane you, just because I choose so (or because you deserve it… 🙂 ).”
6. I should be aware that we are both equal, mature and valuable people with our dignity and sense of self-worth. Our BDSM relations are based on our mutual consent to tip the scale of control, initiative and adapting to one-another.
7. The submissive may be grateful for having their favourite activity happen to them, but they cannot demand it. If we have approved each-other’s conditions, we will adhere to our limits and it is possible that I may reward and encourage the submissive with the activities they wanted the most. I shouldn’t let them treat me like a fetish dispenser.
8. In any relationship the partners adapt to each other. In a power-imbalanced (D/s) dynamic I expect the submissive to adapt to my ways more than I adapt to theirs. If the submissive’s main desires are different to mine, I wouldn’t be much of a dominant if I change significantly to suit their needs. If our ways are too different, then that relationship won’t satisfy neither of us and I should stop it.
My submissive is trusting me to lead them by giving up some control. That’s why I am responsible to not accept that person’s submission if I believe that they won’t get satisfaction from the direction I am going to lead them. Our power exchange dynamic should help us realize our dreams together.
If I as Dominant like 1000 activities and the submissive is able to go through only 200 of those 1000, then I need to be able to decide if the dynamics is fulfilling for the two of us or not.
9. I care about the sub’s emotional and physical health. I spend enough time to acquaint myself with their personality, needs and fears. I help them feel good in their role, also including plentiful aftercare. It’s important for me that the submissive knows how much I appreciate their devotion, trust, suffering and everything they are going through for me. I don’t want to allow my partner to feel used and that our relationship is unfair to them.
10. I need to be down to Earth – to admit my mistakes and apologize for them; to be ready to develop my attitude and skills. I need to be open to advice and I should acknowledge the value I see in it. It’s important that my partner knows that first of all I am their friend, that they can confine to me and I will support them. In this relationship I am the Dominant so I can lead us both in the direction we want. My goal is not to put my partner down for the benefit of my ego.
I expect my partner to understand that we are both people and we make mistakes, and we need to be able to forgive each-other.
It’s getting long and I could think of many more things. I most definitely am missing criteria that I have towards myself as a Dominant or towards a Dominant partner if I will be their submissive.
In conclusion (so far) I want to say that as a switch, in order to submit to someone, I need to see that:
– they know what they want and how to achieve it
– they have initiative
– they will be clear in setting the rules and the consequences of me breaking them
– they will take care of me
I need to see that the Dominant partner has a healthy ego to admit their mistakes and to listen to my advice if I have more experience. It’s also important that they are capable of letting me go from the relationship if they see that I’m unhappy in it – they need to care not only about their needs, but mine as well.
Please, share your your criteria for a quality Dominant – the one you are searching for of the one you are aiming to be – in the forum’s topic.