A personal guide of a brat

I solemnly swear that I will not…

  • Sing “hit me baby one more time” during a spanking.
  • Squirt lube/squirty cream in his face and tell him I’m into ‘giving’ facials.
  • Hide his spanking implements and replace them with Pokemon cards and chocolate bars.
  • Use the Hitachi Wand as a pretend microphone.
  • Say “now make me a sandwich” after he’s made me cum.
  • Ask if he “kisses his momma with that mouth” while he’s dirty talking.
  • Shout “ThunderCats are go” when he’s about to cum.
  • Roll my eyes.
  • Stomp my feet.
  • Spank him with a spatula.
  • Refer to him as “my bitch”
  • Decorate with stickers, or attach balloons to his toy collection.
  • Put nipple clamps on the chicken breasts in his fridge.
  • Glue all the pegs together.
  • Say “good girl” or “left a bit, right a bit” or hand him an A to Z while he’s performing oral sex on me.
  • Recite the plot to High School Musical when he asks me how my day has been.
  • Replace the contents of his underwear drawer with pretty girl knickers.
  • Fill his pockets full of sequins and glitter.
  • Draw a willy on his face while he sleeps.
  • Draw a face on his willy while he sleeps.
  • Attempt to capture/kidnap/restrain him. He is much taller, stronger, smarter, and meaner than me. Remember that!
  • Use his rope for skipping.
  • Refer to the kitchen as “his office”
  • Change his desktop wallpaper to a collage of kittens, cupcakes and hearts.
  • Change his ringtone to Justin Bieber.
  • Shout “Hammer Time” when he tells me to stop.
  • Text him random facts about cats in the middle of the night.
  • Ask “is it in yet?”
  • Call him Daddy in the supermarket, while squeezing his bum.
  • Shout “you shall not pass” when he tries to insert his penis into me.
  • Ask him to “take the Ring to Mordor” and hand him a cock ring.
  • Refer to sex as porking or making bacon.
  • Talk to him all about bacteria when he asks for dirty talk.
  • Call his penis Princess Fluffykins/Pretty McPrettyton/a grown up lollipop.
  • Say “she shoots, she scores” or score him out of ten after we’ve done the blanket dance.
  • Ask if he has his man period.
  • Stomp my feet and say “but I want to ride the penis”
  • Gargle his man juice, or wipe it on his curtains.
  • Pretend to choke to death.
  • Use Bazinga as a safeword.
  • Compare his penis to a strap on, and threaten him with it.
  • Ask “are we there yet?” during sex.
  • Make sheep noises.
  • Measure/hit his penis with a spoon.
  • Say “mmm you smell like my dad”
  • Rickroll him during sex.
  • Shout “trolls, trolls, the fucking trolls” in the middle of the night.
  • Go cock eyed while looking up during a blow job.
  • Pull his hair and call him Mary.
  • Make him roses out of cum tissues.
  • Stop mid hand job and ask him to pull my finger.
  • Fall asleep during luuuuuurve making.
  • Sing the Hokey Cokey while he contours me into different positions.
  • Threaten him with vegetables.
  • Ask if he’s paying with cash or credit card.
  • Punch the air/do the “I got laid” dance after sex.
  • Disagree with his choice of punishment, and recommend my own.
  • Call him a wuss/girl/wimp/pussy. It hurts.
  • Threaten to stop tending my lady garden.
  • Write threats on the bathroom mirror.
  • Tell him I want a knickerbocker glory. We have different ideas of what this is!
  • Put vegetables/slices of meat in his bed and tell him he has upset the local farmers market mafia.
  • Shout “safeword” or “hard limit” when he tries to express his feelings.
  • Perform surprise popping candy blow jobs.
  • Do a Gollum impression and say “my precious” when he whispers threats in my ear.
  • Continue to reference Lord of the Rings.
  • Hogtie him while he sleeps. Boundaries. Consent. I’m learning.
  • Do ice down his pants surprise attacks.
  • Shout “beam me up, Scotty” when pulls out a Hitachi wand.
  • Jump up and down on his bed while shouting “look at me! Check me out! I’m so awesome! I can swim like a motherfucking fish!”
  • Ask him where he thinks our relationship is going?, What’s on the tellybox later?, How his mum is doing? when he’s about to cum.
  • Hide chocolate buttons in his fleshlight. Chocolate willy surprise!
  • Sew his belt to his pants.
  • Take a picture of his cum face “SAY CHEESE!”

 

I’d like to give credit to the original author but I can’t find them.