About sexuality and shame

Hey, don’t despair from the length of this article. This topic is important for your peace of mind if you are new here and if you are interested in BDSM. Give yourself a chance

Shame is one of the most destructive tools for controlling the masses. It has been used for centuries to discourage the individual to take the initiative to fulfill their desires in whichever area of life. Nowadays we are living in a state of constant frustration and confusion because we are constantly flooded with sexual provocations from advertisements, movies, songs and others. Our sexual hunger is being constantly provoked but at the same time the society teaches us to be ashamed of our yearnings. It’s indecent for a man to look at a woman in an approving way, it’s indecent for a woman to be provocative so that she isn’t taken for a whore. Shame is being instilled in our minds against being different and to express yourself. Perhaps you know what happens when a group of people starts talking about sex. You can get fed up with watching grown people giggle like little children at the mention of sex. It’s good that the sexual revolution has begun changing societies’ way of thinking and making them more open-minded. Years ago gays have been chased down but the state, worthy professionals have lost their careers after the intervention of the public “opinion” about what they do with their partners in bed. The situation is getting better but we still have ways to go as a society of intellectual beings.

Why do we think that shame from our sexuality is unhealthy? Because sex is our natural drive as living beings. When you introduce confusion in something so basic as the procreation instinct of a being, this confusion translates into everything it does. When your main yearning is to want and the society has created a conditioned reflex that “you shouldn’t”, this way of thinking influences us in finding a partner, chasing your dreams, our daring to try something new in your life, to try to achieve a higher level of growth. The shame causes uncertainty and makes a person constantly doubt about the rightness of of their desires; whether they can actually achieve them and whether the society will allow them to do it.

People have dreams – in life altogether and in the context of sexuality. Many won’t acknowledge their dreams in front of their partners because of fear not to be rejected. That’s why they choose to either live their lives with the feeling of dissatisfaction or to find a secondary partner, that they can afford to lose more easily, with whom they can fulfill their shameful dreams. This is one of the major reasons for cheating among vanilla couples. People who decide to practice BDSM have no other choice except to overcome their shame that society washes our brains with and to share their dreams openly. This is the reason cheating among BDSM couples is far less common.

Enforcing uncontrolled shame blurs the reasons why you “shouldn’t” do something. Shame can be beneficial and stops us from acting antisocially. Screaming over the phone in the public transport is as antisocial, as it is to get in people’s faces showing how different you are – whether you are gay, you like wearing latex or you like caning your partner. A principle of democracy is to be able to do what you want for as long as you are not troubling anyone else. So, if you’re not going around disturbing people with your interests, don’t let them instill shame in you.

Let’s share a solution that we’ve found that works. As a person, interested in BDSM, you have more information on that topic than most people. You may not know a lot, but among the uninformed majority, you are the expert. You can explain to them how things are, not the other way around! When you tell them in short how sharing your dreams and fulfilling them with your partner calms your psychic and makes it more stable; when you tell them about the buildup of endorphins until you reach a unique reality inside your body; share about the effect of the love hormone making people feel closer and more connected and why it’s released in greater amounts among the BDSM practitioners… after all this information people understand that You can enrich them.

There’s a very important moment about this approach. It’s good for you to know and to be able to explain that BDSM is not for everyone’s taste. It’s OK for them not to like it, like it is OK not to like to watch sumo or to ski. This is their problem and it’s not a good enough reason to ban sumo or ski. Then people relax that you are not judging them, thinking that they are missing out. They also stop judging you because they understand that you are the expert on this topic.

This text became quite long and the goal is for you not to stop reading until you’ve gained any benefit. We wish to help you, if you are just discovering BDSM, to have some peace of mind that you’re not alone, that you’re not sick, that you’re not antisocially twisted. For as long as you are not in anyone else’s happiness, do what makes you happy.