Let’s talk frankly about a sensitive subject, if I may – what are the major reasons why our communication with a new potential BDSM partner could fail? I allow myself to speak from the position of a man who has used some of the unsuccessful approaches that I will share here. I don’t take myself for a general expert. I’m sharing some of my personal conclusions as well as other people’s that over time have proven to be true. My information comes from my own successes and failures and also from communication with other men and many women. The goal of this article is to help those of you who are new among us not to waste their bullets in vain and to not acquire a bad reputation from the start.

Some rough personal statistics: the men are a lot more than the women in the BDSM scene and the “demand” for women is big. That’s why us men most often make the first steps when approaching the opposite sex. Many of us write personal messages to women in the BDSM forums. Please excuse me if I’m not taking into consideration your personal interests, should they be different.

The first impression about the man depends on his initial message. Here comes the awkward moment. How do we begin? Many women have told me that they get dozens of messages a day with proposals from men with any number of interests: for foot worshiping, for rough sex, the man to get fucked with a strap-on dick, or for the woman to become their slave, or the man to become the woman’s slave and numerous more activities and relations. When the woman is newly registered she would often try to reply to everyone out of common courtesy. With time, though, she gets tired of answering and here are some of the reasons I’ve been told:

They write to me with striking illiteracy – I don’t want to deal with illiterate people. How can I expect someone like that or with low communication culture to have a high BDSM culture and to have put in the effort to learn safe practices?

 

The message’s topic is just “hi” and the contents are just “How are you”? – I get messages like that 10 times a day. When I answer 10 people with “I’m fine. And you?” and then I start a conversation with 10 people and I have to remember what each of them has told me. I no longer have the patience to exchange 15 meaningless messages with everyone. I don’t have the time for this either. I log into the forum and instead of having time to read the new interesting topics, I spend all of my time answering dull and meaningless messages.

 

They don’t read my profile info and offer me things that I’ve mentioned clearly that I’m not interested in. I’ve defined myself as “submissive” and the man is saying to me “Mistress, please let me be your slave”. I’m not a “Mistress”! Don’t you read?

 

When I answer that I’m not interested in what they are offering me, some men become aggressive and start offending me and even make threats! Others start begging and persuading me to agree to do what they ask of me.

 

They aren’t interested in what I want. They just tell me which fantasy of theirs they want me to fulfill.

 

They write to me copy-pasted messages that they send to every other woman. This tells me that they haven’t appreciated me on the important stuff, or even based on my looks – they have chosen me just because I’m a woman. They also ignore that I’ve written that I’m a relationship and even try to convince me that my current partner can’t give me what they can. How low is that?

 

They stalk me to see when I’ve read their message and how long it has taken me to answer. If they see that I’ve been online and I haven’t answered them, they keep writing more and more and nagging, and they hold me accountable why I’m ignoring them. They don’t even consider that I may be busy and from time to time I may be able to have a quick glance at the messages because it’s interesting to me, but I can answer later. They think I’m obligated to them.

 

I’m getting messages from men with empty profiles or with just a profile picture of their dick. I can see dick pictures anywhere. I’m interested in the personality – whether we have similar views on important topics, whether we like similar things, whether I’ll like his personality and his attitude towards me. I prefer to answer men who have shown that they are more than just a dick. I don’t have time to answer everyone and I choose to direct my attention to those who stick out from the crowd.

 

They start a D/s relationship with me with the first message. For example: “On your knees, bitch! – I may be a bitch, but I’m not your bitch! I may like to be spoken to that way but only by partners who I’ve approved. By what measure did you consider me worthy to be your bitch? Because I have a vagina? Did you check if we like similar things before you start a play with me? Did you get to know me as a person to decide I’m interested in playing with you?

 

They show a confused idea about the BDSM dynamics and relations and the characteristics of the different roles in BDSM. Here’s an example: “On your knees, bitch! – Who are you? – I’m a Dominant. Don’t you see what I’ve written in my profile? – Yes, but you are not my Dominant. I don’t agree to submit to you. – I’m not interested what you want! You are a submissive. Submit then! The subs don’t have a free will!” – I may have a submissive side in BDSM context but I apply it in my relationship with the Dom who I’ve approved and who has won my respect. I’m not a sub for everyone who have marked themselves as Doms in their profiles. Also, it’s more common for the BDSM slaves to have agreed not to have a free will, not the subs.

 

They try to persuade me to change my orientation – from sub to Dom, from Dom to sub or switch, etc., just so that I do with them what they want. When will they offer to do for me what I want?

 

And so on. I’m aware that the examples may sound rude and some of you may be offended. Keep in mind that astonishingly many men use such approaches and remain disappointed. Many women have even given up on going to BDSM forums due to the endless waves of similar messages.

I will allow myself to share some of the conclusions that I use when I approach a woman both in the BDSM scene and elsewhere.

• Before I write to her, I read her profile carefully so that I figure out whether we have common interests. If we do, I read some of her posts to see her point of view on the topics she has commented on – BDSM-wise and also general life-related stuff.
• In my first message I introduce myself in short and say why I’m writing to her. I share what has caught my attention in her and for what reason I’ve decided that she interests me as a potential conversation company. I “extend my hand” to get to know her and from the start I clarify that I don’t expect anything in particular from her. If anything good comes out of our communication – that’s great – whatever it is. I ask her a question that may have for her or about a topic that I see she’s interested in. I try to write a literate, meaningful message with not too much text in it.
• I don’t rush asking her what BDSM activities she likes in my first message. She may prefer to discuss these intimate topics after we feel we match on more generic topics.
• I don’t rush to ask for her pictures, nor to take our communication outside the forum. I don’t want her to give me her skype/facebook/viber/phone number. If our conversation goes well and we start writing a lot, I suggest that we move on to a faster and more effective way of communicating – either chat, voice/video call. Only after I go through these communication methods I would suggest meeting in person and only if I like her for something: a positive acquaintance, friendship, play partner, girlfriend, etc.

I’d like to stress that this is my approach and it works for me. I don’t want to guide where your dick points (sorry if the literal translation from the Bulgarian saying doesn’t sound quite right 🙂 ), but I believe that if you are experiencing difficulties, it’s possible that you may benefit from these advises. Be interested in the woman’s personality and see what she wants and dreams of, and which of her fantasies you could fulfill before you ask of her to fulfill any of yours. Everyone is interested in making their own dreams come true and is looking for someone to do that with. You are looking. She is too. Search for your common dreams that you may want to fulfill together. If you don’t find any, don’t force the person to change so that they fit to you. Let it be OK that you are different, keep the positive tone and move on with your search for the right partner.

I’m also aware that there are women who are completely OK with messages like “hi” or to get into their BDSM role from the first message. I can’t talk on everyone’s behalf. I’m sharing with you what I’ve learned from the many women, with whom we’ve commented these communication issues. If you want to give your value to the community by sharing the approaches that work for you, you can do that in the forum.