Have strength to read through this article, dear reader! You can spare yourself a lot of bad vibes in the future.

BDSM is a culture. It brings together the people who practice more or less standard role playing games, most often in sexual or otherwise intimate way and also people with non-standard fetishes. In this article we will share some of the most hazy terms in the BDSM culture and what they mean according to our point of view.

Fetishes

According to our more or less limited understanding, the most generic definition of a fetish is someting (an object, a person, an action or situation), that brings sexual arousal to a person. The fetish is a sufficient (and for some people a necessary) condition for a person to become sexually excited. For many people (most often the vanilla-oriented) a fetish is the body of a person from a certain sex (the overall looks and shape, the genitalia, breasts, etc.). This is important from heterosexual reproductive point of view. It causes you to become excited in the presence of a suitable partner. That thing said, all people, who manage to get aroused by anything, are fetishists.

On the other hand people develop all kinds of other fetishes. For some they are just a convenient addition to their standard reproduction-related fetishes, but for others they have become a necessary condition to get excited. According to some people, some fetishes begin when a person fantasizes for a long time about being able to touch something related to the gender of their interest or to find themself in an exciting situation, in which they find a sexual element – like finding themself at a sexy woman’s feet and to be touching them or to be tied up and helpless in the hands of a partner, with whom they can live their fantasy. There are countless other variations for developing an alternative fetish, for sure. We have come to the conclusion that people have been developing new fetishes both during their childhood years and also during maturity. What’s important is that there’s something that has excited their fantasy for a long time.

BDSM is not violence.

A common misunderstanding of BDSM among vanilla people is that the BDSM practitioners are using violence. The reason for this is that people associate the new things they see with anything similar they have already encountered. People with no BDSM understanding get it confused with violence because they have seen in some action movies someone tied up against their will being beaten, raped, killed, extorted and other very scary and completely unacceptable violent actions. And then when they see a picture of someone tied up or something else BDSM-related being done to them, it’s completely natural to be frightened and to judge what they see as wrong – it’s because they see it from a very limited perspective. Those who are ignorant about BDSM often think that the BDSM play with someone tied up happens against their will and that’s why many refuse even to think about the idea of taking part of any BDSM activity.

In a previous article we mentioned that everything in BDSM happens consensually, with attention to safety and sanity. People, receiving corporal punishment in a BDSM play want to live their fantasy in a controlled environment. The unfamiliar observer often doesn’t know that the partners have most often negotiated “safewords” which, when said out loud, stop the play immediately. This guarantees the peace of mind in both partners that if things go out of hand, the play won’t become violence like in the movies and that the submissive person can stop the play at any moment they like.

Unlike the movies, the people who practice BDSM rarely inflict very heavy strokes which could cause large bruises or heavier injuries. Those, who go to such extremes are a minority in the community and are among the most hard-core practitioners. But even they take special care where they hit their partner in order not to endanger their health. The areas they hit most often are the bottom and parts of the back that are very strong and heal fast. Everything is measured to the desires and abilities of both partners. We talk about the logic behind causing pain in this article. In the end the goal of the play is that both partners would get satisfaction the way they desire.

The BDSM play doesn’t necessarily include hitting or pain

There are countless BDSM activities that don’t include hitting or pain. In many cases the Dominant leads or “imposes” their will through their intellect and through the reactions they provoke in the submissive using their words and their overall attitude and presence. Some submissives are happy to fulfill the Dom’s commands without the need to be tied up, beaten or “forced”. Other activities combine with BDSM very effectively – such as being touched gently while you have your eyes closed – which enhances your other senses and you feel everything more strongly. To have candle wax dripped on your bare skin and then to be caressed with an ice cube over the sensitive areas is also an activity that people use to enhance their experiences.

The BDSM practitioners are not only Dominants and submissives

In another article we listed a wide variety of BDSM roles. A BDSM sadist doesn’t have to dominate the masochist. A foot fetishist might not need to be dominated by the object of their fetish desires.

The play begins when you both agree

A mistake that is worryingly often encountered (most often a mistake, but not always) is when someone approaches an unknown potential submissive partner directly as if the play has already begun. Here’s an example for a conflict conversation that begins like this: “On your knees, bitch! – Who are you? – I am a Dominant. Don’t you see what I’ve written in my profile? – Yes, but you are not my Dominant. I don’t agree that you dominate me. – I don’t care what you want! You are a submissive. Submit then! Submissives have no right to have an opinion!” This attitude is considered wrong in the BDSM communities.

Each participant has a right to have an opinion and a free will unless they have negotiated otherwise within the limits of the law and the play. Another matter to discuss is the lack of understanding about the difference between a submissive and a slave. It is more often the situation that a slave has negotiated not to have a right of opinion and free will.

It’s also common knowledge that before the partners begin their play they should discuss their interest and their limits. The Dom may like to discipline the sub by caning them until they bruise heavily and the sub may be interested in experiencing psychic domination without any pain. It’s impractical to expect that you can begin a play with the first words you say with someone who doesn’t share your BDSM preferences, right?

This article has the potential of encompassing many more elements. It will be expanded with time.