Consent is so important, that it can determine whether you will be having fun time or spending jail time. That’s the reason why both postulates in the BDSM culture circle around consent – “Safe sane & consensual” (SSC) and “Risk-aware consensual kink” (RACK).

Everything that’s being done to someone without their consent is violence – against their will. Violence in the BDSM culture is absolutely unacceptable.

By communicating with people from the BDSM communities in countries like USA, Germany, England, Hungary, The Netherlands, Romania, etc., it’s easy for one to conclude that the more experience a community has, the more strict it is on the topic of (mutual) consent. My personal impression is that the more mistakes a community has lived through, the more wisdom it has gathered from them.

The topic is extremely wide and I most likely won’t be able to touch upon a big part of it. Even so, I will share what I have learned from my personal experience and from communicating with more experienced people than me.

• Within the limits of the law, everyone has the right to give their consent on a given proposal.

 

• Consent is not given forever – you have the right to change your mind at any moment and to retract your consent without being obligated to explain yourself. I like the following example – you have been offered tea, you accept, but until the tea is ready, you no longer fancy tea. Nobody has the right to be mad at you for not wanting tea anymore, nor to try to spill it down your throat because you previously wanted tea. It’s the same principle with sex – at an earlier time you wanted to have sex with someone, but later you’ve changed your mind. Your previously given consent doesn’t give the right to that person to have sex with you after you no longer want to. That includes being raped while you are asleep. Some rapists don’t comprehend that principle. For that reason, even close intimate partners can cause each other an emotional trauma and someone can go to prison for rape, because they have decided to have sex with their partner while they are asleep. The reason is that the sleeping person can’t express their change of mind.

 

• In the BDSM culture not only the sub’s consent is important (or the bottom, slave, masochist, puppy, etc.), but the consent of the Dominant (or Top, Master, masochist, puppy owner) is of equal importance. For example not only the sub can disagree on having bruises or heavier body damage during play. The Dominant can also disagree for their sub to receive damage. One famous shibari model, rigger and teacher (Gorgone) shared in a podcast that she explicitly informs her riggers that she will not inform them if she feels that she’s getting nerve damage. She insists that her partners are aware of this so that they can decide whether they consent to their rope bottom getting hurt without having a chance to know about it in advance and preventing it. The Dominant may blame themself for hurting someone. That’s why, if the sub doesn’t inform their Dominant about getting hurt, this is considered violence against the Dominant – it’s done against their will.

 

• Ever more BDSM/fetish party organizers set and follow rules like:
  • “Don’t touch people and their toys/tools without their consent” – beyond count are the instances when a man gropes a woman who he doesn’t know and also vice-versa (and other gender variations); or someone yanks the tool out of their owner’s hands so that they can play with it, without asking for permission. Many people don’t like to be touched – neither by unfamiliar people, nor from acquaintances. They may have given their consent to be touched earlier, but in the current moment they may not be in the mood to be touched. Nobody is obligated to allow physical contact from another person just because they have agreed on that before. We still often treat as a negligible problem when a woman doesn’t consider a man’s right of consent before she touches or spanks him, but we see a big problem when a man does the same to a woman. The principle of consent applies to all genders (including self determined ones).
  • “Don’t interfere with other people’s plays if you’re not invited” – sometimes when you are playing with a partner of yours during a party, someone whistles and shouts “Hit her harder! Bruise that little bitch’s ass!” or someone approaches your submissive while you are flogging him/her and begins having a conversation with them, thus getting them out of  their mindfuck/subspace. This ruins your play and your moods.
  • “Don’t take pictures” – some people have sensitive occupations (like teaching children) or complicated family relations. Some people have been recognized from pictures at a fetish party by their colleagues or bosses and thus have lost their job and also their children or family altogether. When someone brings out their phone and lights up the display, this worries those guests greatly, because they don’t know if you’re watching your Facebook or taking pictures. This puts off many people from visiting BDSM/fetish parties. Being photographed without their consent is against their will and it’s not OK. The solution, reached by the communities that are well experienced in making mistakes, is to not allow lighting up of any sort of a display on the territory of the party. The rule is that, if you want to use your phone to talk or read your emails, you have to go outside. On some places you even have to leave your mobile devices for storage before you enter further.

 

• When someone is tied up or in some way controlled by another person, then the emotional and physical state and safety of the controlled person becomes a responsibility of the one in control. The people with highly developed BDSM culture have understood that in this situation it’s important to ask for the consent of the Dominant if you want to interact with their submissive. There have been many ugly situations when some guest at a group event allows themself to spank someone else’s sub who is tied up and helpless.
• There’s the term “consensual non-consent“, which encompasses a wide variety of higher risk activities. I will touch on them in another article, because they are a completely different type of “beast”.

The article became long again, so let me summarize what I’ve learned:

• I don’t have to do anything if I don’t want to, except for following the law, of course. The same goes for everyone else.
  
• Consenting to something once doesn’t forfeit your right to change your mind and withdraw your consent at any moment, even if you are a slave.
• I don’t allow myself to assume that someone will agree that I touch, tie, spank, photograph them, just because they have consented before or because they look like their would want it. I ask for consent to avoid conflicts and so that I won’t be carried out through the door feet first.

I will be happy to enrich this article with your help. If you wish to share your experience, you’re welcome to post in the topic in the forum.